Allergic Reaction

Allergies suck. They also wheeze, and cough, and sneeze. And I got ‘em.

I’ve had allergies as long as I can remember. When I was in elementary school I remember a doctor telling my mom that I was allergic to wool, down, dust, and pollen. I wasn’t a boy-in-the-bubble type case, but it was significant enough that the doc recommended my mother vacuuming the house every day. Tell that to any stay-at-home mom with two kids and note their reaction. Yeah, right. Like that’s going to happen.

So I learned to cope. It was never that big of a deal. Sure—come springtime I’d have to stock up on Sudafed and wear a mask to cut grass (which I refused to do). But for the most part, I’ve just lived with stopped up sinuses and the semi-regular sneezing fit when the ragweed gets just right.

Soon after college, I found myself in Chicago visiting a friend. Another mutual friend of ours was having a birthday party and we decided to drop by for a bit. I had always looked up to this particular upperclassman and was looking forward to the visit. Kendall was one of those really smart and wickedly funny guys I always aspired to be, yet never quite achieved. The kind of guy who in the late 80s was still listening to Springsteen and Neil Young on vinyl while I was buying Whitesnake and Queensryche cassettes.

The party at Kendall’s uber-cool downtown Chicago loft was well underway when we arrived. The place was crawling with self-important, highly educated urbanites. These were all of Kendall’s University of Chicago grad-school buddies who talked about Film (not movies) as an institution and Kirkegaard like they hung out with him. Pretention doesn’t come close to describing the scene…and I wanted to be JUST LIKE THEM! One problem: I played Christian music. For a living. In this crowd, I could never be cool, would never have an insightful story to tell. No, I was the guy that makes everyone ask “Who invited him?”  My palms could’ve lubricated a Hummer every time I was asked, “So, what do you do?” Not from embarrassment, but rather I knew what the reaction would be. Stunned silence every time I answered, as if I had said I was from Mars. Actually, I probably would have been given more respect and attention had I actually been a little green Martian.

I just wanted to skulk in a corner in anonymity until we left. Just stand still, Randy, and don't draw any attention to yourself. Then it started. The sneezing. And OH HOW I SNEEZED! And sneezed. Over and over and over. What in the world could I be so allergic to? There’s no down or wool or dust to speak of…what could it…wait. Is that a cat? Do you think I might be allergic to cats? I’ve never noticed that before. Wh-wh-whAAH-CHOO!!

I must have sneezed (no exaggeration) thirty times in 20 minutes. There was snot all over me, my eyes were running like faucets, and I looked like I was either dying or had been smoking meth (which hadn’t been invented yet). Utter humiliation. Needless to say, I left the party 30 minutes after arriving. Good to see you Kendall.

That was the day I learned that I was allergic to cats. Since then I've learned that I’m not allergic to ALL cats, though. I’ve even found one or two whose company I've actually enjoyed (Nadia, you know who you are). However, there is one furry critter named Henry that makes up for all those that don’t affect me.  And I spent three hours with him on Saturday.

My buddy Greg (who was my best man) married my cousin Amy. Great people. Love them. Their daughter Kate makes me want to have kids. Their cat Henry, however, makes me question God’s judgment when he created the feline species. Because of Henry, it’s impossible for me to see them without sneezing…and I don’t mean polite little micro-sneezes. I’m talking about violent, multiple neck-snapping nasal eruptions. It’s as if he has some sort of allergen magnification force field around him against which I’m completely powerless. I took a Claritin and three Sudafed. Nothing. No difference whatsoever. Oh…it was awful. Every time I’d have a sneezing fit, I’d do it six to ten times. Multiply that times the eight or ten fits and I figure I sneezed at least 75 times on Saturday. The first 40 or so were pretty funny and it gave Katie the giggles whenever I’d start up. Somewhere around sneeze number 43 or 44, though, her laughter turned to sympathetic coddling. It was appreciated because the muscles in my neck and shoulders were in absolute shambles by the end of the day.

Yesterday morning, my neck was so wrecked I literally couldn’t turn my head to the left. I nearly ran into a little red BMW getting on the interstate because I couldn’t turn my head to look beside me and I spent last night ignoring practically everyone to my left at a Super Bowl party. If I did turn toward them I resembled Frankenstein, turning my whole body to face them. This morning I feel much better, but my sinuses have yet to drain and my entire upper body reeks of Bengay, Icy Hot, and oatmeal. I smell like a convalescent home. 

This is what kitty cats do to me.

(rw)

Comments

[Amy]

Try being allergic to Christmas Trees!! I am the chosen one....During the holiday season I am lucky to get invited to several parties...however, I do not get to attend very many. The big questions is "Do you have a "real" Christmas tree. The answer is always "Of course we do...what would Christmas be without a real tree?" I tell them I will have to pass on the party and I also let them know that I have not missed one ounce of Christmas cheer with my "fake tree"!!

[Luke]

you know, God gave Satan one chance to create something.....and Satan chose cats!!

[Shanna]

Aww. If it hadn't been for the second story, I'd have suggested that perhaps you're actually just allergic to pretentious hipsters. Did you know that they breed hypoallergenic cats now? I can't decide whether that's awesome or terrifying.

[Debbie Barnett]

ugh, I so feel ya. I grew up having to do all the housework myself because my family was all outside happily doing yard-work together. My mom had to seal all the windows and doors when my dad but the grass and it was hours before I could go out in it without erupting into fits of sneezes.

I only became allergic to cats in the last 7-8 years. I grew up with them, so that's weird. Although that was in California. Maybe I'm just allergic to Tennessee cats?